Movie Review: Juno

At first, I imagined this movie as being the awkward stepchild of Superbad and Knocked Up. Then I watched it, and subsequently found I was only half right. First, there’s the whole accidental pregnancy theme. That’s a strong similarity, and it doesn’t help that Knocked Up is still a relatively new flick. Next you have the oddball high school kids. Take Michael Cera’s character “Evan” from Superbad, subtract 2 testicles and increase his awkwardness by 200%; there you have “Paulie Bleeker”. The similarities don’t go much further, and truthfully Juno takes a simple concept like accidental teen pregnancy and makes it more complicated than programming a VCR. (Why the hell is that so hard for everyone?)

I’m all for outrageous characters and over-the-top comedy (everything Juno isn’t), but the subtle humor is a welcome change of pace. Michael Cera could read the instruction manual for my toaster and be absolutely hilarious. One time I imagined him eating a sandwich and I ended up laughing for 6 weeks.

No bullshit.

SCORE: 3 out of 5

Review #7: Super Mario Galaxy

Instead of reading this right now, I want you to go out and buy Super Mario Galaxy. Actually, wait; before you do that, have the person closest to you kick you in the balls. If you’re female, have that person pull your hair and slap you. If you’re an attractive female, stay that way. If you’re alone, punch yourself in the face. All this abuse is not for nothing, my friends. This is your punishment for not buying Galaxy the day it was released.

Once you’re done beating yourself, make your way to your nearest electronics dealer and grab a copy of Galaxy. If you’re a thief, don’t pay for it. Just run. Seriously, if this game were anything less than perfect, I would’ve spent my time here crafting some sort of hilarious review, instead of BSing it while I watch Superbad DVD extras.

“I’ve got a boner!”

SCORE: 5 out of 5

Review #5: Cloverfield

I was recently involved in a hostage situation. I wasn’t there, and the hostage situation didn’t actually happen, but I did make it up with my brain and I am talking about it right now, so shut up and listen. I was at my local BP trying to decide what flavor Gold Peak to buy when I realized that all tea tastes the same, so I grabbed lemon.

As I turned and went to pay for my drink I was surprised to see that the cashier was being held at gunpoint by some black guy wearing a sweatsuit. I couldn’t see his face, but I could tell he was black because he was the guy robbing the place, and also I could see his feet, because he had no shoes. Before I could decide which type of dumbass chooses to rob a convenience store barefoot, the cops show up. The next thing I know, shots are being fired from all directions, there’s blood all over the place and everybody is dead. It’s down to just me and my Gold Peak now. I twist the cap and prepare to enjoy my first sip when a plane crashes into the place, killing us both in a fiery blaze.

Cloverfield is pretty much the same experience. At first, everything is normal and somewhat entertaining, and then shit gets crazy. Suddenly there’s a this behemoth monstrosity slapping lady liberty upside her face and stomping about the city eating people. Then there’s the military, who are on the streets – tanks in tow – sprinting TOWARDS the damn thing, flinging RPGs and missiles and shit all over the place. And the best part is that you’re right in the middle of it, but nothing ever happens to you! As things finally start to calm down, everyone left is bombed and killed and the movie ends, prompting all the idiots in the audience to stand up and damn Cloverfield straight to hell.

Go watch Date Movie, ya dicks.

SCORE: 4.5 out of 5

Review #2: BioShock

I’ve played and beaten BioShock at least 7 times, enabling various difficulties and using various techniques in order to achieved the varied (not really) results. Surprisingly, I’m still not sick of it, although I can’t stand either of the game’s endings. That’s an overstatement; I don’t really mind them. I think I’m indifferent.

There’s nothing bad to be said about this game, although I suppose it could have been longer. Oh and those endings that I’m indifferent towards – those really did suck. In one ending, you emerge in a submarine and kill some guys, eventually taking over the world or some bullshit. The alternative shows everyone you saved living happily ever after while you get old and dusty. Isn’t that swell?! I can either be a mass murderer or a saggy old guy. Your best option is to defeat the final boss, quickly turn off your console, and run.

It worked for me.

SCORE: 4.5 out of 5

Review #1: Quepapas Potato Bites

“I don’t really like potatoes.” That’s what my evil twin would say to you if you asked him about his relationship with the brown delights, and also if he existed, which he does; assholes!

I didn’t choose to eat these what-potatoes (Spanish-English translation obtained via Kaitis). Actually, yes I did. In fact, I bought them for everyone. I didn’t eat any of them though; they did. Pizza Hut fucked up my order, but it doesn’t matter, because first of all, these things are made of potatoes, cheese and jalapeños. Secondly, they’re in tater-tot form. Tater-tots?! Finally, they come with ranch dip! If I caught you asking for anything else, I’d punch your face.

That concludes this.

SCORE: 4 out of 5